Satan’s Diarrhea Hate Bears

Every now and then, you cross paths with something so hilarious that you have to share it with everyone you know.  This past week, my pathway was crossed by one such thing, Haribo Sugar Free Gummy Bears in the 5lb bag.  More specifically, the Amazon reviews for the sugar-free gummy bears as I don’t know if I’d want to meet the actual product in real life.

It seems as though the sweetener used in this particular product, Lycasin, doesn’t take too kindly to being confined within the human body within sizable quantities.  Once your personal critical mass is reached, all hell breaks loose if you read the reviews.  Even the Amazon page has a safety warning attached to this product that reads:  Consumption of some sugar-free candies may cause stomach discomfort and/or a laxative effect.  Individual tolerance will vary.  If this is the first time you’ve tried these candies, we recommend beginning with one-fourth of a serving size or less. Made with Lycasin, a sugar alcohol. As with other sugar alcohols, people sensitive to this substance may experience upset stomachs.

Upset stomachs??  Judging by the reviews, I think the people would have been happy with upset stomachs.  Here’s a sample of the reviews.  If you haven’t already heard about this or read them, they are absolutely hilarious!!!  I highly recommend them, especially if you’re in need of a good laugh.

Review by Christine E. Torok (Pennsylvania):

[Unedited Excerpt] “BUT (or should I say BUTT), not long after eating about 20 of these all hell broke loose. I had a gastrointestinal experience like nothing I’ve ever imagined. Cramps, sweating, bloating beyond my worst nightmare. I’ve had food poisoning from some bad shellfish and that was almost like a skip in the park compared to what was going on inside me.

Then came the, uh, flatulence. Heavens to Murgatroyd, the sounds, like trumpets calling the demons back to Hell…the stench, like 1,000 rotten corpses vomited. I couldn’t stand to stay in one room for fear of succumbing to my own odors.

But wait; there’s more. What came out of me felt like someone tried to funnel Niagara Falls through a coffee straw. I swear my sphincters were screaming. It felt like my delicate starfish was a gaping maw projectile vomiting a torrential flood of toxic waste. 100% liquid. Flammable liquid. NAPALM. It was actually a bit humorous (for a nanosecond)as it was just beyond anything I could imagine possible.”

Review by David C:

[Unedited Excerpt] “As I type this review, I’m on the toilet, surrounded by my dearest family and friends and a priest. I’m not exactly sure whether this is an exorcism or if I’m getting my last rites read to me. This very well could be my final crowning moment. I may never make it back to my feet. What a way to go. Will I go out by suffocating in a toxic byproduct stench? Will I croak from my body expelling all essential nutrients for life? Is this the apacolypse?
What is occurring in my body right now may only be explained with the final 20 minutes of the movie Independence Day. The sweet gummy bears that I thought I had chewed and swallowed have now resurrected inside my bowels with a vengeance. The only thing that I can imagine they are doing is s***ting inside my digestive tract. Decomposed zombie gummy bear s***. This can’t be all my s***. There’s no way. That’s not my s***. That’s s*** from a supernatural entity living inside me. Literally nothing I’ve eaten in a dozen years could possibly turn my ass into a to-scale model of Mt. St. Helens, violently spewing what smells like a public bus filled with homeless people with fresh perms, in Mexico City at such a cyclic rate, that I’m worried the war veteran below me thinks he’s storming Normandy again.”

And it goes on, and on, and on.  You have lines such as, “Getting in my car I noticed that my stomach had begun making noises, as I stopped the engine and leaned down I heard it decree “LET ME SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE FFFFFFRRRRRRRTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT” OH….OH GOD! GOD….GOD NO!” and “Lurched forth like an angry proclaimation of “FUS-RO-DAH!” my anus released an angry growl that was undoubtedly inhuman” from Scott C.

From Teresa L. Amsbury, you get “Picture every sound imaginable, from trumpets blowing in angelic choirs to dying and screaming wildebeasts getting eaten alive in the plains of Africa… And yes, you could even hear the lionesses growling in the undertones. The smell was something of a mix of dead and rotting skunk to sewage plant filled with corpses.”

My personal favorite is from a paramedic who posted as GummyPoo.  After taking an accident victim to the hospital, he ended up destroying the nurse’s bathroom in the ER with “What erupted sounded like a steamroller driving through a bubble wrap factory.”

If you decide to read them, be prepared to laugh, and laugh hard.  Based on the experiences that are recounted, this is probably a better way of combating terrorism and extremism around the world.  Instead of dropping bombs and such, kill’em with kindness.  A few hundred pounds of gummy bears should clear out quite a few extremists, and who knows, maybe they’ll change their views on life after having such a blowout experience.

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